I would rather not have days like this.
I would rather be able to keep writing about positivity, self-awareness, and self-improvement. I have been as low as I could be in the past, built myself back up, actively share that with you all, and (hopefully) give you suggestions that can help you in your life.
Do I always have good days?
In fact, the last two months, I have had two days in-particular that have sucked out loud. Did I get past them? Yeah, duh, I am still here, obviously.
The two days have two things in common: They are at the beginning of the month (after the bills are paid), and they both revolve around money (as in, I am not able to generate the money needed in the amount of time I want). That’s it. Money. I work my ass off building up my skills, connections, clientele, etc. But the last two months I have not been able to generate the money I need (want). I am not talking anything extravagant. I am not trying to pull in 100k a month. What I am looking for is small, a few more grand. Christmas is coming up, my daughter’s birthday is in early 2017, and there are bills at the beginning of the year for small business owners that, if not paid, mean I am no longer the owner of a small business (at least one that can operate legally).
I try to put everything back in to my company that I generate. There are always new, different pieces of equipment that allow me to do new things for my clients. That excites me. The more I can do the better of a media company I can build. That’s what this is all about: getting better.
But that last two months? The money coming in has had to go to household expenses. And I know Ramit Sethi’s plan, keep the costs down, evaluate what you are spending on, cut out the bs. We do all that, but sometimes, things come up. Car problems, doctors, dentists, etc. You know? Life stuff. Wife, kids, home, and cars all need extra attention sometimes. Their time seems to be now.
And it weighs heavily on me.
Like Andre The Giant kind of weight.
Ride/Write It Out
There is a huge benefit to blogging. It feels good to connect with people, and great when I can write something that actually helps someone. The other benefit is it is therapy for me. Processing my thoughts this way as truly been a blessing. It helped me a year ago when I was struggling with getting my new career off the ground. It helped the day my uncle passed away unexpectedly over the summer, and it is (or will be) helping today, when I’m ready to put my head through the f***ing wall.
Thoughts On A Dark Day
Before I get in to the thoughts that I have been having today, I want you all to understand that I do have perspective on my situation. I am healthy, with a beautiful family, wonderful friends, amazing parents, living in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, in the Bay Area. Big picture, things are great.
I am talking about my entrepreneurial self. My startup life. My work life.
It is easy to get those two mixed up. I have built a business that is just as much me as I am it. I work all the time, but I love it. It is fun. It’s creative. It is me with a paycheck. But, it is still just work in the grand scheme of things.
But, even with all that healthy perspective, today, I feel like a f***ing loser.
I am mentally out of my zone, second guessing everything, going over all my profiles and accounts to make sure they are solid, changing info on my LinkedIn to attract more clients, basically, running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.
Like a f***ing loser chicken.
I woke up at 4am, thinking about money.
I got up at 403am and started working, thinking about money.
Scrambling all day, saying horrible things to myself: why aren’t I more successful? Why can’t pull a couple more clients out of my ass? Is my stuff not good enough? Am I not smart enough to figure this out? I should never be concerned about money. Why aren’t I at the next level yet? WTF is wrong with me?
As you can tell, it’s been a pleasant day.
The worst part is, I know all the answers to all of those questions. I know how to get myself out of a funk. I know this down day is temporary, but I am still angry, sad, depressed, confused, irritated, and any other thing you can be when you feel like a f***ing loser.
Do you ever feel like you want to kick the s*** out of everyone and cry at the same time?
That’s me today.
Again, big picture, I’m fine, which is why this will be temporary. But today? F*** everything and everyone. Today, I am a bulldozer. I came in like a wrecking-f***ing-ball. Thanks Miley.
According to Seth Godin, I am not even an entrepreneur. I’m not a startup. I’m a freelancer. A one man show with overzealous ambitions of being a one man media company in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Do I even have the skills to do this?
A writer, designer, photographer, videographer, etc. all in one company? In one person? Am I delusional? Today? That is a big f***ing yes. Tomorrow, hopefully not so much.
Am I Being A Little B****?
Don’t answer that!!!
I know its yes.
It was rhetorical.
That’s why I won’t let myself play a couple rounds of Madden. Or drink a couple tall Guinness on a Wednesday evening (even though it sounds so damn good today). None of that sh** will help my situation at all. I need to grind myself out of it. Work my way out. Stay in line with my best practices (sleep, meditation, health, fitness, nutrition) and it will be okay. If I am still irritated, an ice cold shower or ice bath will turbo charge me real quick. If you haven’t tried it, it is like a light switch. Highly recommended.
There are things in place in my life to avoid having days like these. Why? Because I hate them. I hate feeling like a piece of s*** that is in over his head and wants to punch a hole in everything he sees. That is not a good place to be. Some people like being angry, it drives them. I am driven enough. I like to be chill and on an even keel. But this is a dark rabbit hole that I have a hard time avoiding some days. Not often, but it still sucks.
I admit it.
I am being a little b****.
I thought this would be interesting to share with you all. Those of you on your own startup/entrepreneurial/freelancer journey. It’s not all s***s and giggles.
Maybe you don’t even need to be a small business owner to feel like a loser.
Maybe you don’t have to be an “entrepreneur” to feel like you are drowning.
Maybe you are a student that feels over their head.
Maybe you are in a relationship that’s over your head or bringing you down.
Maybe it’s something I can’t even think of.
Are we all being little b****es?
But if we can recognize it, we can put it into perspective. We can still be angry and sad and depressed, but we know it will get better. We know that we need to keep grinding. And sooner or later we will dig ourselves out.
Grab your shovel b****es.